love/hate/ruin

You always thought
more blood meant more love
There was no one to tell you otherwise
I knew better than to break your rules

All that text I should have saved
Imagine all the psych undergrads
Spending hours analyzing words
That all came from your head
Thinking they can explain away your psyche
But they will never understand your mind

I do. I lived there for awhile.

Your voice lived in my head
And even now you’re there sometimes,
Crouched in a corner, mostly silent
Until I see the sharp edge of a blade
Or the lick of a lighter’s flame
And then you stand up and say,
“Maybe I’ll die tonight”
Just phrases you said to get my attention
Things you said while watching my face
Like you knew I couldn’t stop myself
From trying to save you

You knew I didn’t love you
and that was okay,
You just wanted more blood and
Someone to pretend they knew you
Just to experience another soul
as wrecked as yours
And the black hole it created for awhile

All those days craving your approval
And pretending it didn’t matter
How pathetic I was then,
Clawing at your broken mind,
Begging for a piece of the poison
To make myself feel normal
Never asking for your heart
(did I want it? sometimes)
I pretended to be cold
I wouldn’t claim bravery, just…..
If that was what your love looked like
I’d never have survived your hate

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