you don’t know yet that
I will never speak to you again.
you don’t know that yesterday
was the last time you’ll hear my voice.
I don’t have the breath to explain,
it’s all being taken for the sobs
wracking my body at the knowledge
that you are marrying someone
who isn’t me.
my chest is in pieces
my hands are clawing at my face
and your words have torn me open
neck to navel sliced in half.
I had a heart before this day
but it’s swimming in pieces
through my body
and stitches might not be enough
to make it heal.
Day Eighty Six.
the words finally came to me
and I wrote them down.
I didn’t explain much but I did say
that I loved you and I couldn’t watch
while you promised
to love someone else forever.
I left it on your doorstep with a deck of cards
paper and ink and
fifty-two reasons I loved you for so long
and at the end, the word
it was the first stitch in the wound you’d left
but not enough to help.
the first time you understood I meant it.
I’d caved before and I wasn’t now.
you were floundering
because I wasn’t around to love you
and I had always been, before.
you called and I missed you
so much that my chest hurt
but I thought of the ring on her finger.
I hit “ignore”
and earned a few more stitches.
little pieces coming back together.
Day One Hundred Seventy.
you called out of the blue
and ripped a few stitches open.
you have to let them heal
but you always were one
to think of yourself
and I bet she’d fought with you
because suddenly you were sweet again.
Day Two Hundred Thirty Five.
for the first time in four years
there were lips on mine
that didn’t belong to you.
he didn’t matter at all but my heart understood
that this was the right step forward
and that kiss gathered some pieces of my heart
and I started to heal.
Day Three Hundred Fourteen.
my heart is coming together
more of habit than healing
but it no longer needs stitches
to stay in one piece.
every time I laugh it bleeds a little less.
I went nine days in a row without
thinking of you once
until a man with your name
broke my record.
Day Three Hundred Seventy.
we made it past a year
but you reached out through a friend
and cut a new little hole in me.
I spent hours thinking about it
and how to respond.
but I remembered the way
you stood in my doorway to say sorry
and left without saying goodbye
and so I replied with nothing at all.
Day Four Hundred Thirty Nine.
today I met someone
who makes memories of you feel distant.
my heart is all in one solid piece again
maybe not perfect or pretty
(it may never be perfect again)
but whole and still fighting.
when you cross my mind
it’s in easier ways
and less catastrophic to my scars.
Day Eight Hundred Thirty Nine.
today I discovered something.
that despite all the wounds you’ve caused me
and all the stitches you’ve ripped
and the fact I may never be all the way normal
despite all the things you did to my confidence
today I realized
that when people talk of marriage
and true love and forever
it finally isn’t you who comes to mind.